The Importance of Being Ernestine Read online

  “Looks a decent person. Nicely enough dressed for a woman of her stamp. Neat sort of hairstyle. Nothing too modern.” Her ladyship was stripping off her gloves as she spoke and stowing them away in the handbag. “And who might you be, if it’s not too complicated to explain?”

  “Roxie Malloy, Mr. Jugg’s Girl Friday.”

  Her ladyship appraised Mrs. M. in all her blonde-headed glory. “My pleasure. Although I must say that skirt’s far too short and I have always believed pink to be a debutante’s color. Still, I suppose one might justifiably suggest I am out of step with the modern generation.”

  Mrs. Malloy, who had abruptly stopped preening, brightened.

  “My late husband, Sir Horace, occasionally cautioned me to moderate my opinions.” Her ladyship shifted her carpet bag from her black-clad knees to the floor. “But we will however, come to him in due time. As I was saying I hadn’t anticipated confiding in more than one pair of ears. To be frank, it never crossed my mind that Mr. Jugg would have a secretary or whatever they’re called these days, let alone a partner.” Lady Krumley looked around the office with its bare bones furnishings, uncurtained, night-darkened windows and the motley assortment of plants. Even my blurred vision took in the fact that the plastic ones looked as if they needed watering and the real ones appeared horribly fake. Clearly Lady Krumley, who undoubtedly had her own conservatory back at the ancestral hole, as my cousin Freddy would call it, was under no delusions that she was visiting Kew Gardens.

  “The person who gave me the direction to this detective agency advised me that Mr. Jugg was very much a lone wolf,” she continued in an increasingly robust voice. “But we never know all there is to know about anyone, do we, even when the relationship’s of considerable duration?”

  Mrs. M., for reasons I was unable to fathom, again looked put out. But she kept her voice affable. “Now don’t you go being afraid, old ducks-meaning your ladyship-to spill the beans about what brings you here,” She eyed the butts in the ashtray, but whether because she suddenly noticed they looked and smelled disgusting or because she was dying for a puff, I couldn’t tell. “Discretion’s the name of the game here at Jugg’s Detective Agency. Always has been, always will be. Milk’s been in the business a long time.”

  “Milk?” Her ladyship raised an inquiring eyebrow. “I wasn’t given to understand he was also in the dairy business.”

  “It’s his nickname.” I cautiously supplied this tidbit.

  “Ah, yes. I do see.”

  “Course only them closest to him use it regular like. But call him what you will. Doesn’t mean the man don’t know that one wrong word in the wrong ears could have some very nasty results.” To illustrate her point, Mrs. Malloy drew a finger across her throat. A gesture wasted on her ladyship who directed her hooded gaze at me.

  “I suppose it helps, in that regard, his partner being a mute.”

  Which of course completely took my voice away. Not so Mrs. Malloy. She tossed her blond locks, fluttered her heavily blackened lashes and giggled like a fifteen-year-old. “Got a sense of humor, haven’t you, ducks? Course Mrs. Haskell can talk. Shell-shocked, that’s what she is at this minute. Just come in from a nasty showdown between a husband and wife over some missing property. Very unpleasant these domestic situations can turn. I’ll not say no more, but I’m sure you can picture it.”

  Clearly Lady Krumley could. The bullet holes in the library wainscoting, the bloodstains on the Persian carpet, the family dog covering its face with its paws in the corner, to say nothing of the body that would have to be temporarily put in the sideboard if the bridge game was to begin on time. I made the mistake of looking at the ashtray and another chance to speak up was lost.

  “Horrible stuff we see in this business.” Mrs. M. looked positively blissful. “Still, no disrespect to Milk, some jobs in this business are best left to women is what I say. Can’t expect a man to really understand the female viewpoint, now can you?”

  “You may be right.” Her ladyship’s eyelids narrowed. “Even my dear Horace was not always sensitive to my way of looking at things. Indeed, part of my reason for being late for my appointment was that I lost track of time wondering if Mr. Jugg would dismiss my fears as flights of feminine fantasy.”

  “There you are, then!” Mrs. Malloy was at her most triumphant. “All turned out for the best, didn’t it? How about I fix you a good stiff drink before we get started? And don’t be afraid to go ahead and smoke if you fancy a ciggy. Mrs. Haskell and me aren’t ones to pass judgment. Would be the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn’t it?”

  It was all too much for me. Prying myself away from the desk I fled in what I hoped was the direction of the loo, somehow in the process managing to drag Mrs. Malloy along with me. She mumbled something over her shoulder, and I caught a glimpse of Her Ladyship’s startled black gaze before I found myself again hanging over the washbasin. Oh, the blessed chill of the porcelain! For a moment I prayed for the guillotine to come slicing down on my neck, and then all at once-miraculously-I was whole and healthy again. Amazing! The floor didn’t tilt. The room didn’t spin. And even Mrs. Malloy’s aggrieved voice did not make me wish to take a nosedive into the toilet and be flushed away into oblivion.

  “Well, I hope you’re proper ashamed of yourself, Mrs. H., giving that poor little old lady the silent treatment.”

  “I didn’t feel well.”

  “Rubbish! You look proper blooming to me this minute. Never been so shown up in me life, I haven’t! And after me going and promoting you too! Anyone else would have made you the secretary and me Mr. Jugg’s partner. Unselfish to the core, that’s always been me trouble. But there’s no use standing here crying over spilt milk.”

  I didn’t ask if there was any pun intended. “Lady Krumley isn’t little,” I said. She has to be five foot eight in her bare feet. And I doubt very much given the title that she’s poor.”

  “There you go, picking me words apart like a sink full of lettuce! We’ve got to get back in there before she gets the wind up and disappears into the night.” Mrs. Malloy stood like Justice on a pedestal, but I turned to straighten my hair in the dinky little mirror above the basin, feeling stronger by the minute. There was no way I was going to allow her to intimidate me into posing as a private detective-something I was sure would have nasty legal consequences. One petty criminal in the family was enough, thank you very much.

  My cousin Freddy’s mother, Aunt Lulu, had taken up shoplifting years ago when her women friends chose needle-point or bridge as a hobby. To date she had not found herself in the dock facing a judge wearing a wig his wife had crocheted and who was not inclined to be moved by the fact that the accused claimed to give most of her “finds,” as she termed them, to charitable organizations.

  “So her ladyship’s a tough-looking old bird living in a house with four hundred rooms-from the address I peeked at in Mr. Jugg’s appointment book.” Mrs. Malloy’s blonde hair sat on her head like an ill-fitting halo. “Moldy Towers, I think that’s the name of the place.”

  “Surely not!”

  “I’m not here to argue with you, Mrs. H.” Amazingly, Mrs. Malloy’s nose did not grow with this brazen lie. “The point I’m making is that Lady Krumley wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t in some fearful sort of trouble, now would she?”

  “People seek out private detectives for all sorts of reasons. She might suspect the butcher of overcharging her, for all we know.”

  “More like her very life’s at stake. Otherwise why not send her man of business or someone of that sort?” She spoke with a long drawn-out hiss. “Her sort aren’t used to doing for themselves. Not unless it’s something they want kept hush-hush. Think on that!”

  I didn’t answer.

  Mrs. Malloy wagged a finger under my nose. “What if she was to walk out of here without us finding out what’s up, and we was to read in the newspapers tomorrow that she’d been found stuffed in an attic trunk or dead from arsenic in the soup or pushed off one of them bloomin�
�� towers? Course,” Mrs. Malloy added to fend off any protests on my part, “could be there aren’t no towers, for all you’d think that’s how the place got its name.”

  “Really?”

  “Too right! I once knew a woman as lived in a house called The Firs. And not so much as a Christmas tree front or back. You know the sort, always putting on airs, some people! But then again you did have to feel sorry for Doris, seeing as how she had a nephew that did her out of the money she’d saved up to buy the washing machine she’d been dreaming about for years.”

  “I’m sure Lady Krumley has plenty of washing machines. Enough to bequeath to the charity of her choice.” I edged toward the door.

  “And I’ll bet you me second best fur coat, Mrs. H., she’s also got a nasty nephew like they always have sneaking around in them Agatha Christie books.”

  “Who’s desperate to inherit all the household appliances,” I nodded.

  “That’s right!” Mrs. Malloy looked pleased as Punch that I was finally beginning to realize we were in the business of sniffing out evil. “And then of course they’ll be the wicked step-daughter and the nasty chauffeur what’s really a cousin from the wrong side of the blanket and the smiley-faced bank manager that’s been embezzling the money Lady Krumley’s hubby left when he died and…”

  “A whole bunch of other good-for-nothings,” I agreed smoothly, “anyone of whom could be itching to bump off her ladyship. I’m sure Mr. Jugg will have the time of his life sorting it all out when he returns. Although from what you’ve been telling me he’s more interested in rooting out evil from the mean streets than the drawing room. Oh, well a change of pace never hurt anyone.”

  “I’m sure I don’t know how you can be so callous!” Mrs. M. indicted. “What if you find out too late Lady Krumley was in mortal danger?”

  She got me there.

  “I should never have made you a partner in Jugg’s Detective Agency.” She folded her arms, thrusting her bosom ceiling-ward. “There’s not many that gets promoted after fifteen minutes of drinking the company booze and smoking cigarettes like they was going up in price the next day. But there’s no point in standing here breaking me heart over that poor woman in there. Thank goodness I bought meself that new winter coat. At least I’ll be able to go to her funeral without fear of showing meself or Mr. Jugg up.”

  “Enough!” I was ready to capitulate. “I already feel like a villain out on parole after Ben’s reaction tonight. It probably won’t do any irrevocable harm to go back in there and hear what Lady Krumley has to say.”

  “Thanks for them kind words, Mrs. H.”

  “Think nothing of it.”

  “Well, they do say blondes have more fun, don’t they?” Patting her hair complacently, Mrs. Malloy gave a final preen for luck in the mirror, before sailing ahead of me into the office, where our spirits were immediately dampened by a most unnerving sight: Lady Krumley slumped forward in her chair. At least we thought it was her ladyship. It was at first difficult to be one hundred percent certain, given that her hat was tipped down over her nose, which Milk Jugg, had he been here, might have documented in his notes as her most distinguishing feature.

  Four

  “How unforgivably rude of me to doze off.” Lady Krumley raised her head and blinked in upper-crust distress. Only a nightmare could have brought her to this office with its plastic plants and inhospitable furniture. She sat rolling her gloves on her lap. “It has been months since my last heart attack, Mrs. Haskell, so one may not use that as an excuse. My home is in Biddlington-By-Water, not thirty miles from Mucklesby. Therefore, the journey was not the problem. It only seemed long because I haven’t driven myself in years. My apologies to both of you,” she said, directing her nose in Mrs. Malloy’s direction, “for delaying you even longer after my late arrival.”

  “Don’t give it a thought your ladyship ducks! But while you’re on about it, what did keep you from your appointment with Mr. Jugg?” Mrs. Malloy nudged me toward Milk’s chair and perched her miniskirted behind on a metal folding one, next to the dilapidated filing cabinet.

  “Some vicious thugs took potshots as I drove past the Biddlington-By-Water police station.”

  “You were fired at?” I dropped the pencil I had just picked up.

  “Thrown at!” Her ladyship’s features narrowed, reducing her to a beaky-nosed silhouette. “They were sizeable flower pots, filled with bronze and yellow chrysanthemums.” Such a sinful waste of good flowers. “Not only was my front passenger window shattered, but I looked as though I had requested to be buried in my car.”

  “And you wanting to look ever so nice for Mr. Jugg.” Mrs. Malloy was all womanly sympathy.

  “You weren’t hurt, Lady Krumley,” I asked.

  . “Shaken up and nerves all to pieces, nothing more.”

  “Do you think you were followed by someone who knew you were on your way to consult with a private detective?”

  “Not at all; I never said a word to anyone, except Mr. Featherstone, my friend and vicar, about where I was going.”

  “Then who?”

  Her ladyship frowned with all the aristocratic command at her disposal. “I very much fear that the assault was perpetrated by someone aggrieved by my refusal to contribute to this year’s Police Benevolent Fund. One does have to watch one’s pennies these days. And I did see a heavyset man slinking off as I rubbed the dirt out of my eyes. I suspect it was Constable Thatcher without his helmet. But I may be doing the man an injustice. He and his wife did send a wreath, rather a showy one, for my sister-in-law Mildred’s funeral last April.”

  “Nasty losing a family member.” Mrs. Malloy would have set her face at half-mast if possible.

  “Mildred was my late husband Sir Horace’s youngest sister. A very spry eighty-year-old to the end, but I never questioned her passing away in her sleep while on a fortnight’s holiday in Liverpool. After all, who can bear to spend more than a few days in such a place? Even when the others began dying it never occurred to me that an evil force might be at work.” Lady Krumley’s voice faltered as she stared grimly into some distant space.

  “So that’s why you’re all got up in black.” Mrs. Malloy couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice. “Relatives dropping off the family twig willy nilly.” She stood up with a good display of leg and poured herself a shot of bourbon. I shook my head, but Lady Krumley accepted a glass.

  “Sir Horace would have expected me to go into mourning, even though it isn’t much done these days and he never had more than minimal contact with any of the recently departed, including Mildred.”

  “So there was others!” Mrs. Malloy beamed.

  Her ladyship inclined her head. “Cousin Clement resided in Australia. He was mauled to death by a passing kangaroo in June. Uncle Dickie resided in one of the Channel Islands and met a mercifully swift end whilst celebrating his ninetieth birthday bungee jumping or whatever it is called. Aunt Theobalda was living in a loft in some newly trendy part of the East End and stepped into a lift that wasn’t there.” Her ladyship swigged down her bourbon. “All of them ancient and addled in their wits. One may not always like one’s relatives. Yet only a fiend would sit back and watch them being systematically wiped off the map. Especially when knowing where the blame lies.”

  “Where is that Lady Krumley?” I inquired with what I hoped was the right amount of professional interest, although, to be honest, I couldn’t see that this was going anywhere that mattered.

  “With myself. I, Mrs. Haskell, am the villain of this piece!” She rose in a swoop of black to take a brisk walk to the outer office door and back. The hat trembled to one side, but her voice when she resumed speaking was calm. “I must say I now find it a relief that I was not in time to consult with Mr. Jugg. Men are too readily inclined to dismiss a woman’s fears as hysterics. Sir Horace had a way of fidgeting with his thumbs when vexed by what he termed the excess of my imagination. No doubt he would insist that I am dramatizing the current situation.”


  “Husbands can be our sternest critics,” I opined sadly.

  “How right you are, Mrs. Haskell.” Lady Krumley returned to her chair. “Sir Horace was twenty years older than I. But it can hardly be said that I was a giddy young girl at age thirty-five, when I came as a bride to Moultty”-she spelled out the word-“Towers.”

  “I thought Mr. Jugg said Mouldy.” Mrs. Malloy sounded justifiably aggrieved.

  “That’s the pronunciation. Has been for centuries. Nothing to do with our occasional problems with dry rot. Sir Horace was devoted to restoring the house to the way it had been before his father allowed it to fall into disrepair. Which makes it so particularly dreadful that it was I who sullied the family crest-Serve Well Thy Servitors-when close on forty years ago I sacked Flossie Jones.”

  “Who?” I asked, pencil poised above a dog-eared notepad.

  “The parlor maid.”

  “Why did you get rid of her?”

  “For stealing an emerald and diamond brooch.”

  “Well now, that was naughty!” Mrs. Malloy, as president of the Chitterton Fells Charwomen’s Association, had her standards.

  “You believe this incident has some bearing on the recent deaths you mentioned?” My glance at the uncurtained window showed it blacked out by night as if in wartime. Just how late was it now? How long before I would see home again? A tale dating back forty years was unlikely to be told in as many seconds. Would Ben think I had run away from home to destroy other marriages by revamping whole cities of unsuspecting husbands’ studies?

  “It has every bearing.” Her ladyship slapped her knee with her gloves. “I now know Flossie Jones was falsely accused and, therefore, wrongfully dismissed. One week ago Laureen Phillips, my newly hired personal maid-very diligent in her duties-found the brooch between the skirting board and the wall in my bedroom, close to the dressing table from which it must have fallen all those years ago.”